Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
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Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.