My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.