Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
You Might Also Like
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Why font matters.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog