Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
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Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
mom gave me mine for free
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect