I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
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It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Namaste
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
True
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”