It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
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How do you like your Corgi?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.