A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
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I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*