My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
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I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Its true…
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure