Alexa, make me look good naked.
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The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.