My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it