When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent