It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Flowers bee like
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment