“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
i can’t wait that long
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Best seat on the street 😍
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.