Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
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Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.