[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
You Might Also Like
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.