The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
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[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Breaking news:
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.