Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I put the p in pants.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.