Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
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Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Cool shirt 🙂
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Seekh Kebab
Not attention