N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
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Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.