Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Seems legit
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!