Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
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My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.