I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
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Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat