Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
You Might Also Like
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic