You Might Also Like
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Yup!
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.