I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
You Might Also Like
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
You had me at “define legal”.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?