If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
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centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?