You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
#Caturday