I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
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[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one