I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol