I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?