This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
You Might Also Like
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Good morning y’all ☀️
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*