Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
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SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
nothing saves money like being antisocial
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Just a reminder, folks:
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt