Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I put the h in mysterious.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?