Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
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[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?