Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
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Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV