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I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Wait for it
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.