Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
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check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“Huge”.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.