“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
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If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Siri: Retweet me.