Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road