Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I saw this ending much differently.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that