[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
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Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
being a writer on Twitter:
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Ghost costume 😂
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!