I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
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Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Gods work.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.