Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
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I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
me, after any kind of buffet.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.