I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
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If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were