Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
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The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
#catsoftwitter
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “