Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
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professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Hitlers gonna hitl
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.