“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
New mindset, who dis?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.