*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Every time.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.