If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
“No way.” -Jose
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land