My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
You Might Also Like
[montage of me giving-up]
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
A leaf blower, but for people.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?